Hey there! Here’s one leadership idea and one resource I’ve found beneficial this week:
1 idea: What controls our happiness
One of my clients—let’s call her Kelly—has two big problems in life.
The first is a coworker I’ll call Ryan. According to Kelly, Ryan is a jerk. He’s dishonest, manipulative, and lazy. Even though he rarely hits his goals, he has managed to keep his job by creating so much chaos that his overwhelmed leader forgets to hold him accountable.
The second problem is even worse: it’s how Kelly responds to Ryan. While Ryan annoys many of coworkers, he drives Kelly straight up a wall. In response to his antics, she becomes aggressive, defensive, and combative. He knows exactly where all her buttons are and he pushes them with glee.
It’s no surprise then that Kelly is stressed and her performance is suffering. When she lashes out at Ryan, the headline of the story becomes her response rather than his actions. She doesn’t want to react this way but can’t seem to stop it.
I asked Kelly recently, “What would need to change for you to be ok?” and her response was understandable: “I want him to stop lying to me and gossiping about me.”
When I ask that same question to other leaders who are frustrated with a coworker or leader, I always get similar answers:
“I want him to respect me.”
“I need to feel valued.”
“She needs to have a better attitude.”
All these changes would undoubtedly make them feel better. But there’s one big problem with this wish list: it’s all out of our control.
If you paused right now and made a list of the things you need to “be ok,” it might look something like this:
Enough money to pay my bills (or put my kids through college…or buy that boat…or retire)
Good health (for myself...or kids...or grandkids)
A good relationship with my spouse/parents/friend/sibling
That promotion I deserve
While these things would undoubtedly bring you some life satisfaction, this list has the same problem as the one before it. Because all these factors are outside your control, they each have control over you.
If you need Ryan to respect you for you to be ok, then Ryan controls your stress level. If harmony with your spouse is a prerequisite for peace, then that person has the key to your wellbeing. Anything you must have in order to feel ok has control over you.
The great news is that you don’t actually need any of these things to be ok. If that sounds ridiculous, just consider the people you know who’ve lost a job or battled a chronic illness or endured a strained relationship. Odds are, you have seen people go through one of these terrible situations while still finding a way to be at peace. Maybe you are that person yourself.
Their examples show us that as soon as we stop making external circumstances prerequisites for our happiness, we can accept the reality we’re given and find a way to thrive in it. If you can find joy solely in the fact that you are alive today, that is true contentment. Or as St. Teresa of Ávila put it, "Whoever has God lacks nothing; God alone suffices."
True freedom comes not from getting everything you’ve ever wanted but from needing far less than you have.
***
What’s on your list of things you need to be ok?
Which of those things do you not want to have control over you anymore?
What do you want your new list to be?
1 resource: Leading a quiet life
In today’s “build your own brand” world, Francis Chan offers counter-cultural wisdom that is thousands of years old: “make it your ambition to lead a quiet life.” As he shares in his earnest and compelling way, this humble approach to life and leadership is the path to true greatness.
Chan suggests that instead of touting all our accolades on social media and hiding our flaws, we should share our failings and hide our accomplishments. If you're interested in starting a social media platform for this purpose, Chan even offers a name for it: Sinstagram!
Comments