Here’s one leadership idea and one resource I’ve found beneficial this week:
1 idea: From blame to responsibility
Since I’m a responsible parent, I must occasionally disappoint my children. At times, my choices produce passionate displays of emotion in others. I hear phrases like:
“You’re a mean dad!”
“I don’t love you!”
“You aren’t listening to me!”
Every time I experience these verbal jabs, my response is the same: “Emily, please don’t say these things in front of the kids. It disturbs them.”
Ok, the last part is a joke. As you might expect, these barbed phrases come from my disgruntled kids, not my loving wife.
How should a parent respond to the airing of grievances? Or more broadly, how can we respond when we’re insulted, disappointed, or hurt by the actions of others?
Our default response to emotional stress—blaming—is often not productive. Whenever humans are in pain, we naturally look for who to blame so we can make sense of our predicament and prevent it from happening again. Some people naturally blame themselves, leading to feelings of avoidance, shame, and self-doubt. Others turn the blame outward, leading us to wound relationships and avoid taking necessary responsibility. Sometimes that natural bias is right, but oftentimes it’s wrong.
Rather than jumping straight to blame, a healthier alternative is to take responsibility for objectively assessing the situation and openly expressing our needs. The four steps of nonviolent communication provide a way to do this.
First, observe what is actually happening in a situation. This means focusing on behavior without making value judgments. In other words, don’t tell your children “you are being a brat,” but do say, “you’re shouting right now.”
Second, state how you feel about this action. Are you hurt, scared, joyful, amused, or irritated? Say so without blaming the other person—“I feel angry about the way you're speaking to me” rather than “you make me angry.”
Third, express the need that is connected to that feeling. Explain why this is important to you. This might sound like, “When you interrupt me, I feel angry. I want to know that you understand me, but it's hard to know that when we're talking over each other."
Lastly, share a direct request to meet that need. Don’t assume that others will know exactly what you want. I might say to one of my kids, "Joanna, when I ask you to do something and you roll your eyes and sigh, I feel frustrated. I want to live in a home where we treat each other kindly even when we disagree. If you're frustrated by something I ask you to do, can we talk about it directly instead?"
Nonviolent Communication = Observation + Feeling + Need + Request
This four-step process enables us to get issues out into the open safely by focusing on objective facts and our own needs. When we calmly state the facts rather than attack with value judgments or hyperbole, we reduce the odds that others respond defensively or dismissively. Sharing our needs and rationale also promotes empathy and connection by enabling people to understand our needs and respond to them freely rather than feeling manipulated.
This approach requires calmness and a bit of courage, but the result is healthier communication, stronger bonds, and better resolution.
***
In conflict, do you tend to blame yourself or blame others?
Consider a situation you’re dissatisfied with now. What would it sound like to use these 4 steps?
What would change for you if you approached life in this way?
1 resource: Nonviolent Communication
For leaders who are unaccustomed to openly expressing their emotions and needs, Marshall Rosenberg's classic book Nonviolent Communication does a great job of giving practical examples for how to word some of these tricky phrases. The book is littered with little nuggets of wisdom that will aid you as you look to strengthen your relationships.
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