Happy New Year! I hope 2025 is already off to a great start. In honor of the new year, I've added a new "PS" item at the bottom of each newsletter. Read all the way through to the end to check it out.
Here’s one leadership idea and one resource I’ve found beneficial this week:
1 idea: Emotional congruence
I distinctly remember the first time I encountered a New Englander. I was a Texan who’d just moved to the North Shore of Boston, and I had been forewarned about the rudeness I should expect in this cold climate. I was meandering through a local library’s book sale when a middle-aged couple walked past. The man took a look at the handful of books I’d gathered and spoke up. “Let’s see what ya got ‘ere,” he said, running his fingers over my pile. “Nah, that’s no good,” he said, shaking his head. “Here’s what ya really need,” he declared, replacing one of the books in my pile with a Martin Buber paperback. I chuckled in surprise at his boldness and bluntness. As he and his partner ambled on, I thought, Who does that?
Massachusetts was certainly not Texas. The warm and gregarious Southern hospitality I was accustomed to was absent. In its place was a direct, honest, and matter-of-fact culture. But to my surprise, I really liked it.
After living in Massachusetts for three years, I came to see my native culture in a new light. I realized that Southern sweetness was often genuine, but at other times it was simply insincerity wrapped in flattery. My Bostonian friends, in contrast, seemed to care less about what you thought of them. They spoke their minds more candidly even when tact would probably have been a better choice. They were more hesitant with new people but fiercely loyal to those they considered family. You always knew where you stood with them, and to my surprise, that made me trust them even more.
I had experienced what psychologist Carl Rogers calls emotional congruence. Congruence is when we communicate our emotions authentically to others. In other words, what we say and do is congruent with what we feel. We don’t mask our frustration with niceties or play down our excitement; we express our emotions honestly. We live with integrity.
I stumbled across Rogers while working on my second book, and reading his ideas made me realize how often I’d been dishonest for the sake of keeping the peace. I’d say that everything was fine when it was not. I’d bury my frustration to try to be nice. While my intentions may have been sincere, I realized now that this approach actually hindered relational growth. To build true trust over time, it wasn’t enough to be nice Josh—I had to be real Josh.
In essence, Congruence occurs when my Emotions, Awareness, & Communication are all aligned.
Emotions + Awareness + Communication = Congruence
Remove just one element, and you’ve got a problem. Say I’m feeling bored at a family member’s home (Emotions) and can’t wait to get out of there (Awareness). I get up to leave and say, “This has been great, but something came up.” When I do that, I’m engaging in deceit. What I communicated did not align with my true feelings, and odds are my family can see through the ruse.
Emotions + Awareness - Communication = Deceit
Or perhaps I am frustrated that my kids are not buckling up (Emotions), and I exclaim to my wife that "we never leave on time" (Communication). However, I lack awareness of how I’m truly feeling. When she asks why I’m angry, I’ll say, “I’m not angry!” In that moment, I’m not lying to her; I’m in denial. I don’t feel safe acknowledging my true feelings or simply haven’t slowed down enough to reflect on them.
Emotions - Awareness + Communication = Denial
While Deceit and Denial are pervasive in our relationships, Congruence is the path to wholeness.
This doesn’t mean weaponizing our emotions or always sharing our unfiltered thoughts, but it does mean committing to truthfulness. Doing so builds trust through integrity and consistency.
Could this be your year of living more honestly?
***
Think about a relationship where trust is low. Is the problem more likely to be Deceit or Denial?
Are you more likely to engage in Deceit or Denial?
What would change in your relationships if you always knew where you stood with others?
1 resource: Emotional Intelligence 2.0
In my experience coaching executives, the most common barrier to an emotionally-whole life is a lack of self-awareness. Leaders are often too busy, scared, or ill-equipped to identify what uncomfortable emotions they are experiencing.
There's no quick fix to this problem—it's something I spend hours training and coaching around with most of my clients. But a good assessment and a handful of practices can give you a jump-start.
Emotional Intelligence 2.0 provides both. Of all the books on EI that I've read, this one is by far the most applicable. The book also includes a code to take the online EI assessment to help you identify your strengths and opportunities. Leverage these practical tools and your self-awareness will grow.
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